So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
