She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
