I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
