she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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