What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize