I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
