I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
