someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I would ride that face into the sunset
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
