Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
