When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Everclear isn't food dammit
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
