we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Sext me about skeletons
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Randomize
