A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
