He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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