I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
