Tell her she can't have a vagina
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Randomize
