Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
