had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
There are leaves in my underwear?
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