I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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