oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
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