Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
