I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
