I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Randomize
