so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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