What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
