It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
