I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
