My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Never joke about your clitoris.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
