drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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