Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
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