I'll bet she douches with gravy.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
