Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
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