I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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