I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize