...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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