I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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