were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
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