Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
