You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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