david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
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