I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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