I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
