also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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