Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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