Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
