onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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