guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
