She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
