you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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