I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
