Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
