We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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