the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Randomize
