Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
