I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
