Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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