So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
