can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize