just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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