I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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