Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
