and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
the liver wants what the liver wants
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
